Life & relationships
Miscarriage, and where you fit
It happens in about one in five pregnancies. Almost nothing is written for the father. What to do, and what not to say.
Around one in five known pregnancies ends this way, most in the first twelve weeks, and almost always for reasons nobody could have prevented or predicted.
If it has just happened: it was not caused by lifting something, by an argument, by stress, or by anything either of you did.
Practically, now
- She needs medical care. Bleeding with pain in early pregnancy should be assessed. Call your GP, the early pregnancy unit if you have been given a number, or 111. Heavy bleeding with dizziness or severe one-sided pain needs urgent care.
- You may be offered choices about how to manage it. She decides. Your job is to make sure she is not making that decision while nobody has explained the options in plain words.
- Ask about follow-up. Recurrent miscarriage is investigated differently, and knowing what happens next helps.
- Handle the outside world. Cancel things, tell whoever needs telling, take the phone. If you had told people, you now have to untell them, and that is a task you can absorb entirely.
What not to say, however kindly meant
"At least it was early." "It was probably for the best." "We can try again soon." All extremely common, all land badly. There is no comparison that helps.
What does help is short and unflashy: "I am so sorry." "I am here." "It was a baby to me too."
Your own grief, which is real
Fathers grieve miscarriage and are almost never asked about it. You may not have felt attached yet, which brings its own guilt, or you may have been entirely attached from the first scan photograph.
Common and normal: numbness, then a delayed hit weeks later, often around the date the baby was due. Being expected to be the strong one while feeling gutted is its own particular strain.
Tell one person. That is the whole recommendation.
Support that is actually good
In the UK, the Miscarriage Association has information and support specifically for partners, and Sands covers later loss and stillbirth. Both are used by men and both are free.
If you are still not functioning after several weeks, or you are drinking to manage it, see your GP. This is a bereavement, and it is treated as one.