Talking to your child about hard things

The instinct is to protect them by saying nothing. Children almost always know something is happening, and what they invent to fill the gap is usually worse than the truth.

The general shape

• Tell them early, before they hear it elsewhere. From a cousin, a playground, or a half-heard phone call is much worse.
• Use plain words. "Died", not "went to sleep" or "we lost him". Euphemisms genuinely frighten young children, who take them literally.
• Short, then wait. Say the thing in two sentences and stop. They will ask what they are ready to ask.
• Answer only what was asked. A five-year-old asking whether you will die too wants "not for a very long time", not a discussion of actuarial tables.
• Say what happens next. Children care intensely about the practical: who will collect me, where will I sleep, will I still go to football. Answering that does more for their security than any amount of reassurance.
• Expect it to come back. They will process it in fragments over months, often at bedtime or in the car. That is normal and it is not you having failed to explain properly.

By age, roughly

• Preschool: very concrete, very repetitive. Expect the same question fifteen times. Play and drawing carry more than talking.
• Primary: they want fairness and cause. Expect "why" and expect to have to say "sometimes there is no reason" without dressing it up.
• Teenagers: they want honesty and to not be managed. They will often deflect at the time and come back at 11pm. Being available is more use than being wise.

For divorce or separation specifically

Tell them together if you possibly can. Say it is not their fault, and say it more than once because they will not believe it the first time. Never make them choose, and never brief them on the other parent's failings.

The car is your best tool

Side by side, no eye contact, a defined end point. An enormous amount of difficult conversation with children of every age happens at thirty miles an hour, and it is not an accident.

If they are not coping

Sustained change in sleep, appetite, school, or withdrawal from things they loved, over weeks rather than days, is worth taking to your GP or the school. In the UK, YoungMinds has a parents helpline and Winston's Wish specialises in bereaved children.