Life & relationships
When your teenager is struggling
How to tell ordinary teenage misery from something that needs help, and what to do when it is the second one.
Being a teenager involves a fair amount of misery that is entirely normal. Telling that apart from illness is the difficult part, and fathers often spot the behaviour while assuming somebody else will interpret it.
The rough dividing line
Normal: intense moods that shift, irritability, wanting privacy, caring enormously what friends think, the occasional catastrophic evening.
Worth acting on, particularly if it persists for two weeks or more:
- Withdrawal from things they genuinely used to love, not just from you.
- A sustained change in sleep or appetite in either direction.
- School refusal, or a sharp unexplained drop in engagement.
- Self-harm of any kind.
- Hopelessness. Saying there is no point, or that people would be better off without them.
- Giving away possessions, or a sudden unexplained calm after a long low period.
- Any expression of wanting to die.
What to do
- Ask directly. "Are you having thoughts of hurting yourself?" or "Have you thought about ending your life?" Asking does not plant the idea. The evidence on that is clear and consistent, and asking plainly is often a relief.
- Do not react with panic or anger, however you feel. Your face determines whether they ever tell you anything again. Feel it later, elsewhere.
- Do not promise to keep it secret. Say instead that you will not tell anyone who does not need to know, and that you will tell them who you are telling.
- Go to the GP together. That is the route into CAMHS in the UK, and school can also refer. Ask about waiting times and what to do in the meantime, because the waits are often long.
- Reduce access to means if there is any risk, and do it quietly.
- Keep the ordinary going. Meals, lifts, the usual rhythm. Normality is stabilising, and treating them as fragile makes it worse.
If it is urgent
If they have harmed themselves badly, taken something, or you believe they are in immediate danger: 999 or your nearest A&E. Do not wait for an appointment.
Urgent but not immediate: NHS 111, or your local crisis team if you have their number. Get that number now, before you need it.
Help that exists in the UK
- Papyrus HOPELINE247 — 0800 068 4141, for under-35s and anyone worried about a young person.
- Samaritans — 116 123, any hour, for them or for you.
- YoungMinds parents helpline.
- Shout — text SHOUT to 85258.
And you
Watching your child suffer and not being able to fix it is one of the hardest things you will do, and fathers routinely do it without telling anybody. You are allowed your own support, and you will be more use to them if you have some.